The anxiety

I don’t know if it’s because I read so many momblogs every day or what, but lately I’ve been experiencing this overwhelming anxiety to have Camila here. Outside. In my arms. Now.

Every day, about an hour and a half after I get up, and every night, at around 9 pm, I feel her kicking. I’m really starting to know her. What time she’s the most active, how she moves much more when her daddy talks to her, but she does not let anyone but mommy feel her move.

And I see her crib and stroller sitting in her room (already!) and I just can’t wait. And I start to get anxious. And I pray to God everything will be okay, that she will be okay. And to please make the next 4 months fly by because I really want to hold her.

My grandma (my mom’s mom) is doing really bad. She’s got a vascular dementia, so she’s pretty much lost in time and space. She hardly ever recognizes her children, let alone her grandchildren. Now, before this dementia, she was the strongest, most self-sufficient woman I’ve known. She had 7 children. Her oldest, a daughter, with some guy no one’s ever told me anything about. The other 6 –including my mom– with my grandfather; a good person, but a terrible husband. So my gran suffered many years of infidelity and hardship, because he would spend all of his money on women, and she’d have to jump through hoops to keep her children well fed and modestly clothed.

But all in all, she was always such a strong woman. She looked at life straight in the eye, and raised incredible children. None of them drink or smoke. They’re all incredibly honest and hard-working people. Some of them didn’t even finish highschool, but they make an honest living nonetheless. And they all learned that from their mom. She was always strict, and had a really blunt way of saying things, but you just knew she loved you, despite the fact that she wasn’t too big on hugging or kissing.

And now she doesn’t even know I’m pregnant. And I don’t know how much longer she’ll be around. And I just want Camila to be here on time for my grandma to hold her, even though I know she won’t realize that’s her great-granddaughter in her arms.


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